Puns, The highest level of language development

I want to send out positivity to the world. My father sent these to me in an email and they made me chuckle. I hope they do the same for you.

Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD . . . ) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Professional Insomniac

I have always been a night person. I found that after 10 pm, I seemed to perk up and get more done.

Dinner is digested, the night’s entertainment over (movie has been watched, games have been played, company has left). Those happy hour cocktails have worn off and I still have a long list of things I wanted to do that day. What a great time to take care of it while it is relatively quiet and there are fewer distractions!

It has been normal for me to stay up until 1 or 2 and work on the computer, or on re-mixing songs or sometimes just playing video games.

Lately, however, I sense a different trend; without having to go to an office at 7:30 am every morning, I have been staying up later and later working on projects. Then later…and later….and then still later!

As I type, it is 8:30 in the morning, my wife has gotten up so I made us some coffee and I am ready to hit the long list of items for today… I never went to bed at all. Does this mean I don;t need to sleep anymore? Have I finally broken through the barrier and no longer have to lay down every evening and waste away 8 hours of precious life?

I have always said that I don’t like sleeping. It always feels like I’m going to miss something important because I am asleep. Like I am missing out on life in general by being conked out in the bedroom. We only have a short time here on earth and I want to hear, smell taste, touch and experience as much of it as I can.